The most recent Boldly Reading prompt was about pocket conflicts. And that can only mean one person.

This is the Total Jerkface Conflict Number I Dunno Whatever!

My name is Marie Patrice Beckett, but just about everybody calls me Empy. The date is, um, January 12, 2173 and I just turned thirteen yesterday. This is my most secretest of diaries so I gotta say something right now, and that is – NO BOYS ALLOWED!!!

Honestly! They are such a pain in my keister. See, our family lives on Lafa II, and it’s kinda complex so I have a full-blooded brother and I have three half-brothers, okay? But other than us, there aren’t a lot of human kids, so we’re mainly all thrown together all the time. It totally does not help that the school is like this one-room schoolhouse. I swear, it’s more like 1873 than 2173! Yeah, I know!

But yeah – BOYS – Gawd, they make me crazy. There are Calafan guys, too, but they’re, I dunno, they’re mostly better, I guess. Mostly – it’s not like it’s a miracle or anything.

So, like, first off, for my birthday, I did my hair all nice and I was wearing red and I looked really good, like this, see?

Me (as portrayed by Cameron Diaz)

Am I not totally adorable here?

Huh?

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, my brothers, the bane of my existence. So first there’s my full brother, Joss, who is like the biggest jerk, ever. I don’t know what my friend Jia sees in him. He is such a pain! See, he’s already almost fourteen and a half and the Calafans let you learn how to drive.

I know, girlfriend diary.

Anyway, so he’s learning to drive, so our Mom, Lili, she takes him out all the time, and half the time I’m in the back, and I’m bored outta my skull. But I can’t just look at my PADD ’cause he kinda starts and stops and our Mom, she keeps stamping on the floor on her side, like she’s got a brake there, or something. Confidentially, I think she thinks he’s too young to be driving but our Dad, Doug, he seems to be okay with it but he goes off with his military unit and he doesn’t have to deal with it. So, it’s like really distracting, all of that starting and stopping and stamping, and the movement all just makes me nauseous. So, you know, a PADD is like out of the question.

Tommy and Neil

Then there’s Tommy, who is one of our three half-brothers. And he and I get along okay, but you should see him at the Calafan festivals! There are maybe a ton of them and I swear he’s got a dream girl who he contacts and that gets our friend Cindy all angry ’cause I think they’re supposed to be going out even though Tommy is like a few months younger than I am.

And his little brother, Neil, well, Neil is totally studious and his nose is always in his PADD. I swear that he’s working all the time and you know what they say about all work and no play. He can be so boring sometimes.

Declan

Declan is, like, the easiest one to get along with but he’s another one with a nose in his PADD all the time. He is always drawing! He barely pays attention to what you say, but he does seem to pay attention to a person’s looks. His Dad doesn’t come around as much as he should, I gotta say, but it’s ’cause he’s teaching combat training on Earth and sometimes he’s an acting captain. I swear, they’d better make Mackum – uh, Malcolm Reed – a for-real captain before we all get any older!

So, like, there are also human boys who are not related who live on this planet, but not too many of them. Dave Ryan is just too dopey and puppy-like for words. But Ken Masterson might be okay. When he and his folks visited my folks from the Cochrane, he was, you know, he was hanging around while his Mom, Deb Haddon Masterson, was doing something with my Mom in our kitchen, and his Dad, Chip Masterson, was out back playing horseshoes and drinking beers with my Dad. And, like, Ken was asking if a boy had ever kissed me before. And I was gonna answer him but my stupid brothers were around and it was just not a good time. That was last year.

Yesterday

But let me tell you about yesterday. So, like I was all dolled up, all nice, but I spilled a little grape juice on my red dress so I changed into a red tee shirt and shorts and we were gonna go to my Mom’s restaurant, Reversal, and stuff. And it was gonna be nice and kinda classy and stuff.

And then my stupid brothers – it was Joss who was the ringleader, did I tell you he’s the biggest jerk? Well, if I didn’t, he is a total jerkface. Anyway, so my stupid brothers, they pelted me with water balloons and we were already running really late and my Dad was, like, “You don’t have the time to change.” And I was, like, “But Dad, I look like a total loser!” And he was, like, “Your Mom is gonna be sooooo pissed if we’re late.” ‘Cause Mackum had come over, and it was, you know, they hadn’t seen each other in a while and it was a surprise and all that even though it was MY birthday!

I swear, sometimes, girlfriend diary.

Me, like, totally dorky (as portrayed by Cameron Diaz)

So, like, we had to go and I didn’t have the time to fix my hair so I ended up looking totally dorky, just like this.

I swear to God, Jeremiah Logan Beckett, you can run, but you can’t hide.

And I will get my revenge in September, when you turn fifteen. I swear to God, or my name isn’t Empy.